Take a Deep Breath
Originally published in the Newsletter of the Brainwave Trust, 2009
Sometimes, it’s not so much children’s behaviour that’s a problem, but rather our reactions to it. Writing about the massive importance of staying calm during family interactions is really easy when my house is empty and quiet, but in practical terms, it’s as much of a struggle for this mother as it is for most.
What helps is a basic knowledge of the science around staying calm, why it’s so important for children to learn to do so: their emerging ability to regulate begs for chilled-out interactions.
Also, knowing a couple of simple techniques for staying calm helps the process of parenting more than anything else I can think of.
A new study from Zero to Three, an education and advocacy group from the USA, used surveys with parents to unpack attitudes and experiences regarding behaviour and children. The results of the study seem to align with the anecdotal evidence I’ve gathered from parents in New Zealand, through questions during presentations and the many chats afterward.
Even more telling than the list of things creating parental disharmony (tantrums, problems with sharing – both examples of typical and healthy behaviour for those under three, but that’s another story!) is the fact that so many parents describe “having trouble controlling their own anger” (as cited in Zero to Three’s paper) as one of the most difficult aspects of parenting.
One of the cornerstones of Brainwave’s work is Bruce Perry’s Neurosequential model. This gives us a tool for understanding the impact of stress on brain function, for making sense of the intrinsic knowledge most of us seem to have about how much harder it is to be calm and rational during stressful times.
And most people I’ve asked seem to agree: parenting small children, dealing with the financial and practical realities of running a home, even something as seemingly straightforward as attempting to have a brief telephone conversation while a child is in the house (The constant interruptions! The misbehaviour! Aaargh!) … these are stressful occurances.
In neurobiological terms, it seems that stress hormones, especially cortisol, make it harder to access our cortexes. It’s as though our Mammalian brain usurps our Homo Sapiens brain, albeit temporarily. Homo Sapiens = the Wise Ones, so wise parenting decisions must be made here!
So how do we get back into our cortexes? How do we regain the benefits of our wise brains, enabling us to see child behaviour for what it is – e.g., limit testing as a healthy way of asserting independence, difficulties with sharing as a typical response from a still-egocentric being – instead of as a crazy-making, nerve-shredding, straw- that-breaks-the-parent’s-back?
Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.
Deep, abdominal breaths not only help in re-oxygenating the cortex, supporting the reclamation of control by Homo Sapiens, but slow, calm breaths also disrupt the cycle of stress as controlled by the Vagus Nerve, linking the brain stem to heart, stomach and lungs.
Conscious breathing is the best parental advice I know of – not only will it support an adult’s ability to respond to children’s challenging behaviour using knowledge instead of impulses and emotions, it helps us to find a calmer tone, and it sets our children a powerful example of how to respond to frustration. Any behaviours we exhibit with consistency, our children will absorb and reflect back to us. Patterned neuronal activity meets common sense.
My goal, then – housed in my cortex - is to respond to frustration with an elongated sigh followed by some smooth, deep breaths - rather than the yelling, door slamming and foot stamping my lower brain longs for. Wish me luck.
To read the study from Zero to Three:
http://www.zerotothree.org/site/DocServer/29-3_Parlakian.pdf?docID=8261
For more about stress response systems: