Babymoon
Originally published in Tots to Teens magazine, December 2013
Having a new baby is an unforgettable time. It can be magic. Blissful. And it can be exhausting. Stressful. Sometimes it’s all of those things at once. It’s a bit like planning a wedding in that regard.
Add some postpartum hormones and a sprinkle of conflicting advice and you have the recipe for what is possibly the most intense chapter in a person’s life.
After the intensity of the wedding you enjoy time to connect - we call it a honeymoon. It’s arguably even more important that new parents take time to connect with baby. Let’s call it a babymoon.
For some people this is easy: they enjoy putting the world at arm’s length, and having a newborn in the house is a wonderful excuse to do so.
Like my friend Jan, who put a ʻno visitorsʼ sign on the gate, and a mama I heard of in Hamilton who surrounded her property in Police “Do Not Cross” tape to keep people out.
But not everyone automatically craves the babymoon. There are those who’d like a few visitors and an occasional outing but who otherwise relish nesting.
Then there are families who resist the babymoon: they long for their social lives, or the familiarity of work. There are parents who seek visitors - perhaps because they’re far from their own families, maybe because they’ve borne a particularly needy infant.
Adults, it seems, do best under a variety of circumstances. And while babies also have individually varying reactions to the world, we know that newborn babies have distinct physiological needs. Babies do best under pretty consistent conditions, sometimes in opposition to the preferences of their parents.
Consider:
Babies are born with immature systems of sensory processing. This means itʼs really hard for them to make sense of the barrage of new sounds, new sights, new sensations that exist in the world.
I imagine it like this: “The sounds of my family and home are new to me. That’s a lot to adjust to. Do I really have to get used to noisy espresso machines and summertime parties as well? I’d like to wait for that if I could please.”
Early stuff really matters. Our brains (which kinda control our everything, for life) get set up early. They do a lot of organising while weʼre in utero, but itʼs not until we join our families in the outside world that most of the work gets done. We develop intelligence by connecting brain cells, and approximately 85% of cells connect after birth.
We wire up our brains with information we gather from our early relationships and environment. Much foundational brain-wiring work is done in the first 36 months.
The best brain we are capable of growing is the brain that grows when we’re nestled in safe and loving arms. Babies crave a connected relationship with one person first(usually Mama), slowly adding people but always able to refer to that initial warm, secure relationship .
How, then, do we bridge the gap between what Baby needs (peace, calm, consistency - a babymoon!) and what a parent might need?
First, Baby does best when all the adults in his life can allow the primary relationship to be the most important thing.
Daddy, Grandpop, Auntie, or whoever is around will be most helpful if they let mama concentrate on making milk and the important work of gazing deep into baby’s eyes. Whānau can spend time with older kids, make cups of tea, keep the housework flowing. Soon enough, Baby can work on his relationship with them, too.
Similarly, when there are visitors, heed the advice of my wise midwife. She suggested not to let them hold Baby while I dashed about doing jobs. Remember: visits are not about playing “pass the Baby”. Who does that serve? Not usually mama, and it sure ain’t Baby. Instead, give the guests the jobs to do, freeing mama up to attend to Baby.
This can be quite handy. If someone visits, have a wee list ready (hang washing, cook pasta, get fruit & veg). Yes, your towels might get folded all wrong and dishes get put silly places, but it’s not forever. And this rich relationship you’re building oughta last forever. So go with it.
And remember to ask for help in working with the needs of your family. Baby has a genuine need for calm even as the six-year-old has swimming and Alex needs a ride to kindergarten. For a few weeks at least, consider allowing another parent to give your children rides to/ from their activities.
And what about those parents who will find it easier to transmit feelings of love and calm to their sweet babies if they connect with the pulse of life out in the community?
Lauren Porter, co-founder of the Centre for Attachment, describes it this way: “A visit to a noisy cafe might be just what a mother needs to feel an internal sense of calm”.
A noisy cafe? That might be what mother needs, but if Baby is in a vulnerable biological state, donʼt his needs come first?
Lauren had a useful take on that, too. She said we can think about this as we would with a couple negotiating how theyʼll spend their time. “I want us to do this, you donʼt like it. How can we make this be an OK experience for you?”
Want to know the solution, friends? Baby wearing. Yup, a sling. What fancy lingerie is to the honeymoon, a sling is to the babymoon!
We know that newborns can tell their motherʼs scent and find great comfort there. This would be much more difficult for Baby if he’s also smelling the competing aromas of a food court, or the perfume of a dozen visitors. Snuggling Baby up close to Mama helps to nurture those important physiological connections.
It’s a great reason for getting Baby out of the stroller and onto our bodies. There is a wealth of evidence from research showing us how beneficial baby-wearing is. Having baby nestled nice and near helps to regulate his heartbeat. It keeps him warm. It boosts milk production.
Even if you think itʼs not for you, give it a go. Practice at home! Baby will thank you.