The Science Behind the Strategies:
Originally published in OHbaby! magazine, Issue 15, Spring 2011
Mothers-in-law aren’t the only ones giving advice to new mothers. Modern parents have access to a dizzying array: from girlfriends, to books, websites, magazines (!) and TV shows devoted to telling you what to do.
But they can’t always tell you why they reckon you ought to do it. Or, they’re operating with the dubious research sample of one; “I licked lead paint and I turned out fine!”.
What follows are some simple, effective strategies for improving harmony and happiness in your home. More importantly, we’ve included the science behind the strategies - the evidence to make this some advice worth trying.
Tell it like you want it
Scenario one:
Charlotte is an active toddler who loves practicing her climbing skills. Her mother, Leah, spots her about to launch herself from the couch up onto the bookshelf behind. She yells “Charlotte! Stop climbing on the couch! You’ll fall!”
Scenario two:
Charlotte is an active toddler who loves practicing her climbing skills. Her mother, Leah, spots her about to launch herself from the couch up onto the bookshelf behind. She moves quickly - and somehow calmly - to Charlotte and says firmly (and somehow calmly) “Charlotte - feet on the floor. Climb down, and put your feet on the floor”.
What’s the difference?
First, there is the difference between mum Leah yelling across the room and moving in close to Charlotte, using direct eye contact and closeness to get her message across. Scenario One also highlights several of the challenges highlighted in forthcoming examples: having Reasonable Expectations and knowing how to Keep Cool Mama.
But none of these explain the key difference here: the difference in Leah’s language. First time round, she hollers “Charlotte! Stop climbing on the couch! You’ll fall!”
Let’s unpack that.
Think about how Leah is offering plenty of information about what she does not want to see happen but she offers nothing about what she does want to see. Her language offers no information about how to be successful.
Would she tell her daughter to “stop climbing on the couch” if she knew that she would increase the likelihood of climbing? Would she caution “You’ll fall!” if she know that those words were as likely to be a prophecy as a deterrent?
How can that be true? Biology, baby. Biology.
What’s biology got to do with it?
Even the (pretty much!) fully formed brain of a mature adult can not override what happens inside our heads when we wrap a statement in “Stop” or “Don’t”.
Let me show you what I mean, dear reader. I’ll use this example: Right now ... Do NOT think about George Clooney. Please, STOP thinking about the gravelly voice and twinkling eyes of Mr. Clooney!
Did it work?
Or did you have a head full of images of that handsome devil and his distracting smile?
That’s the power of our magnificent brains in action. Leah’s shouted command to “Stop climbing on the couch” just creates an image of ...climbing on the couch.
And there’s more!
In the words of Dr. Srinivasan Pillay, a psychiatrist, brain researcher and writer from Massachusetts “we stimulate the same brain regions when we visualize an action and when we actually perform that same action”.
That idea is explained in the book “The Intention Experiment” by Lynne McTaggart, when she outlines how a type of brain scan known as electromyography (EMG) shows how our brains treat the thought of an action in the same way as the real action.
McTaggart described an experiment with a group of skiers, where EMG discovered that mentally rehearsing their downhill runs sent electrical impulses to the same muscles and in the same way as when they were actually physically skiing downhill.
That is to say, when we imagine something, our brain practices the action as though it were true. What an important idea to consider in the case of young children, whose brains are connecting at such a rapid rate, and whose ‘habits of mind’ are still being formed.
So when Leah shouts “Stop climbing on the couch!” and Charlotte’s brain is flooded with the mental imagery of climbing on the couch, her little motor neurons fire as though she were actually climbing. She strengthens all the cell connections involved in coordinating her limbs, manipulating her centre of gravity and climbing.
Instead, in the second scenario, when Leah says: “Charlotte - feet on the floor. Climb down, and put your feet on the floor” she is using the power of her daughter’s brain to visualise and rehearse the action (and behaviour!) she wants reinforced.
Less distraction, puh-lease
Scenario one:
Jackson is an almost one-year-old. He’s cruising around the furniture in the lounge, while the TV is playing. His mum, Kelly, is at the other end of the open plan space, listening to the radio in the kitchen. The phone rings. She’s cradling the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she swoops Jackson up and lays him on the couch for a nappy change, chatting into the phone all the while. Jackson wriggles to get away, infuriating Kelly.
Scenario two:
Jackson is an almost one-year-old. He’s cruising around the furniture in the lounge,while his mum, Kelly, is at the other end of the open plan space, listening to the radio in the kitchen. The phone rings. She says, as she moves toward her little boy, “I’ll let voicemail get it, and check it in a minute. Right now it’s time for you to get a clean, fresh nappy on! Come on, Mister!” Jackson smiles up at his mum.
What’s the difference?
The first difference is that the TV is off. The recommendation from groups such as the American Academy of Pediatrics is that children under the age of 18 months do not have any screen time. None. At all. Full stop.
Another key difference is that Kelly herself is exposed to fewer distractions in the second scenario: she lets the phone go to voicemail, and so she can give her son the gift of her full, focussed attention during nappy change time.
Says Darcy Smith, PhD, a writer for Psychology Today: “Humans can only focus on one thought or task at a time.” I urge parents to make their child be that sole thought, to make the care interaction (that is, nappy change!) the only task.
I have powerful anecdotal experiences to suggest that children whose routines are attended to in this way are unlikely to try and wriggle away - it’s not an unpleasant activity to avoid, but a chance for connection with a favourite adult.
What’s biology got to do with it?
Keeping the telly off until Jackson takes a nap means that Kelly is honouring what current research tells us about the negative role that television plays in small children’s lives.
Also, having the TV off cuts down on superfluous chatter and images that will take up valuable real estate in her son’s brain. At a time when Jackson’s every experience has the potential to create and/or strengthen a synapse between brain cells, wise adults provide experiences and stimuli that will nurture and nourish, rather than distract and deplete. (Then there’s the negative impact of early TV exposure on language and visual development, but that’s a story for another time!).
There are other reasons to proceed with caution around the ‘myth of multitasking’. Again, to Dr. Smith, who writes: “The concept of multitasking is actually a misnomer, as it involves continuous ‘switch-tasking,' which is to say, moving back and forth between tasks.”
She goes on to explain that the problem with this is that “no one task gets our full attention. Instead, tasks get our partial attention. With each switch, it takes time for us to reorient to the task at hand. At the end of the day, all that reorienting adds up to an enormous amount of time wasted and we feel like we've been on an intellectual treadmill for hours.”
Do you know the feeling? I know I do. And it makes me wonder: do we really want to teach our children to do that, or would we all be better served by demonstrating how to focus on one thing at a time?
New research from the University of Chicago used the deceptively simple method of getting mothers to pay close attention to their infants as the starting point for building a rich relationship. They summarise that “a wide variety of parenting styles can be effective in rearing children, but helping a mother focus on her baby and make the baby a priority is key”.
The quality of relationship between a baby and his significant adult says a lot about his future mental health, intelligence, and school success. It affects the way that his brain grows. It can impact the quality of his relationships with other people across his lifespan.
And that brings us back to Jackson’s nappy change.
Here’s the thing. There are routines that need to be done every day anyway (bathing, dressing, feeding, nappies), so they might as well be performed in a way that serves the relationship and feeds baby’s brain.
That is, put down the telephone. Don’t respond to that text message right this second. Turn off the telly. Gaze into baby’s eyes, describe what you’re doing. Smile, chat, sing. Imitate baby’s sounds.
As Thames-based parent educator Pennie Brownlee says “Full attention is the key to great partnerships - you could say it was love in action”.
Give it a go: and marvel how routines can become anything but.
Reasonable expectations
Scenario one:
Nina is two and a half. She loves running up and down the hall from the kitchen to her bedroom. It’s nearly lunch time and her Dad, Mike, is in the kitchen making sandwiches. “NINA!” He yells. “For heaven’s sake! STOP RUNNING INSIDE!”
Scenario two:
Nina is two and a half. She loves running up and down the hall from the kitchen to her bedroom. It’s nearly lunch time and her Dad, Mike, is in the kitchen making sandwiches. He finds her as she’s near the kitchen, and holding her hands, crouches down and says: “I can see you really want to run - we’ll go outside and do that after lunch. You will run on the lawn. But first, let’s make a sandwich - hey, we could eat it outside! What would you like to have in yours? Come and help me!”
What’s the difference?
Wise Daddy Mike knows that crouching at eye level will always be a better way to communicate with his toddler daughter than hollering from room to room.
He also does a fine job of validating her desire to run - there isn’t anything wrong with what she wants to do, it’s just the context that needs sorting out. This is an example of a reasonable expectation. It is reasonable that a child will want to run down a long hall.
This is a well known phenomenon amongst those who design classrooms and early childhood centres. Sandy Cassells, head of all things early childhood for Barnardos in the South Island, says “It’s as though long corridors call out to children. They say “Run! RUN!”
When we start with validation of the impulse - it’s OK to feel like that! - then (and only then!) is redirection an extremely powerful tool.
Redirection, in this case his invitation for Nina to join him, gives her an out from running. It’s an opportunity for relational connection, and children of Nina’s age are ripe for “helping” (even when it slows the adult down and is technically unhelpful, do it!).
What’s biology got to do with it?
When children are hardwiring the connections between new brain cells (also known as myelinating our synapses), it is as though their bodies command them to move. They need to practice their new skills over and over.
It would be an entirely unreasonable developmental expectation to think that children will sit quietly throughout their upbringing. And unreasonable expectations breed parental frustration!
Children have lots to practice, whether it’s running, climbing, or asking “Why?” incessantly to make sense of the world.
A smart parent will find ways to make those behaviours tolerable, instead of attempting to squash the behaviours altogether.
Stuart Shanker is a researcher, philosopher and writer from York University in Canada. He makes an important point about validation, especially of emotions, and cautions against attempting to squash reasonable desires or human emotion. “The problem is, you can’t” he says. “The problem is, the more you try to do it, the more you’re going to get some sort of a problem somewhere else.”
In Nina’s case, running on the lawn is an excellent substitute, a way to make the behaviour acceptable. Leah, mum of Charlotte-the-couch-climber from the first example, might find a daily trip to the park is necessary for some serious climbing. During my daughter’s phase of - ahem - experimenting with tone and volume, the washing line was the place for yelling and screaming.
Another factor to consider on the joyful roller coaster of parenting is temperament research. Temperament is the study of individuality, the idea being that there are several consistent, observable traits throughout all people, and that each of us has an inborn tendency to react to the world in a certain way.
In this example, Nina may be expressing that she is naturally at the “highly active” end of the spectrum. Challenges can occur when a child and her significant adult have vastly differing temperaments. Nina’s body says “Let’s move!”, and she may confront conflict if parented by someone who is naturally at the low activity end of the spectrum: “Let’s chill out!”.
The burden of responsibility is on the adult to alter his way of being to meet the needs of his child. He’s the one with the fully formed brain! Learn more at www.temperament.com
Keep Cool, Mama aka: Time outs: they’re for adults too
Scenario one:
It’s nearly dinner time. Three month old Harry is crying for a feed. Two year old Bella is on the verge of melting down, pummeling mum Sarah’s legs. Dad’s not due home from work for half an hour, and Sarah is hot from the steamy stove, where she knows that if she stops stirring the cheese sauce it will burn. “ENOUGH!” she yells. Everyone is tired and frustrated, with tantrums & yelling just around the corner.
Scenario two:
It’s nearly dinner time. Three month old Harry is crying for a feed. Two year old Bella is on the verge of melting down, pummeling mum Sarah’s legs. Dad’s not due home from work for half an hour. Sarah temporarily removes her cheese sauce from the heat, crouches down to hold Bella close for a moment, whispering “Gentle, Bella. Be gentle with Mama”. She then scoops baby Harry up, saying “We’re all hot and bothered: We all need a time out. I’m going to take a break from cooking and we’ll try again in a minute.”
She one-handedly fills an egg cup with frozen peas which she passes to Bella, grabs a cracker dunked in peanut butter for herself, and invites Bella to the couch where she feeds Harry. She deliberately takes long, slow breaths on the journey from kitchen to couch She makes up a song to the tune of ‘Twinkle Twinkle”, stoked with her spontaneous rhymes: “Bella’s eating frozen peas, Harry’s having breastmilk, please”.
What’s the difference?
Here, Sarah uses specific language to describe what she needs “Be gentle ...”, and embraces reasonable expectations of her infant son and toddler daughter. She knows that infants need gentle, gradual introduction to delaying gratification, and that toddlers lack the neurological equipment to filter their emotions.
Sarah is willing to abandon her plan to have dinner ready at a certain time, knowing that keeping herself calm is the best parenting strategy of all. She understands that, in the words of neuroscientific rock star Bruce Perry, “the stress response network allows it to ‘take over’ any part of the brain ... including the ‘thinking’ cortex”. That is to say, once stress hormones get a hold of our brains, we’re unlikely to act logically or wisely.
When the emotional temperature starts to rise, it’s time to try something different. As they print on t-shirts in my husband’s native Tennessee: “If Momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy”.
Sarah uses the powerful technique of loving touch to kick-start her kids’ calm-down, and she knows the value of a healthy snack for re-regulating all involved.
A quick protein & carb hit for a breastfeeding mother and a slow-to-eat veggie snack for toddler Bella buys some time to get baby Harry settled, and the deceptively simple act of taking deep, slow breaths as she moves through the house is key. This is a mighty weapon in the war against domestic craziness - it disrupts our biological stress cycle like nothing else.
What’s biology got to do with it?
Our brains are linked to our heart, lungs and stomach by the vagus nerve. It takes our brain’s stress messages to the heart (“Beat a little faster!”), the lungs (“Breathe more shallowly!”) and the stomach (“We’re too stressed to digest food right now!”).
These bodily reactions send a reply via the vagus nerve to the brain: “You were right. We are stressed!” Left unchecked, those stress messages go around and around. A stress-cycle.
Unless: something is done to override them. Like taking some long, slow breaths.
This exercises your higher brain (cortex) to command the lungs to move slowly and deeply. This simple act causes the vagus nerve to bring a new message to the brainstem: “Actually, things can’t be too stressful. We mustn’t be running for our lives. There’s time to breathe slowly and deeply”.
So it’s wise to have a couple of relaxation breath techniques up your parental sleeve. Practice them in times of calm so you can do it in when your children are wringing out your last little bit of patience.
Go ahead and put your hand under your belly button and see if you can get your hand to move out when you breathe in, and to move in when you exhale.
Go on. Try it.
Right now. You go.
Your cortex will reactivate, allowing the wisest bit of your brain to be in charge.
If you’re super wise, like Sarah in the second scenario, add the magic of music to your family mix. Singing produces learning-enhancing, feel-good hormones like endorphins in our brains, guaranteeing a good time.
References/Recommended reading:
Trees Make the Best Mobiles - Jessica Teich and Brandel France de Bravo
Dance with Me in the Heart - Pennie Brownlee
The Philosophical Baby - Alison Gopnik
Parenting from the Inside Out - Daniel Siegel with Mary Hartzell
Born for Love - Bruce Perry with Maia Szalavitz
The Science of Parenting - Margot Sunderland
The Intention Experiment - Lynne McTaggart
Other resources:
http://www.cbc.ca/ideas/episodes/2010/07/15/neuron-therapy-listen/
and of course: www.baby.geek.nz