Why we dig dedicated Dads
Originally Published in OHbaby! magazine, Issue 23, Spring 2013
Remember the movie "Thelma and Louise"? I was 17 when it came out. Like all heterosexual females I know, I’ll never forget the first time I saw that brand-new actor, Brad Pitt. You know the scene. Yes. That one. With the abs. My knees just about went out from under me.
Fast forward to 2013. Nowadays I get invited to 40th birthday parties, not 18ths. And now, I find Brad Pitt most appealing surrounded by all those offspring. Please, Mr. Pitt, keep your shirt on. And I'm just as likely to feel goopy on the inside when I hear my husband reading "Mr Brown Can Moo, Can You?" to our kids with gusto.
What's up with that? Have I lost my spark? Am I tedious and domesticated or what?
Turns out that this is biology at work - research suggests that women judge men to be more attractive when they are "baby-friendly". Makes sense in evolutionary terms: we're more likely to want to partner with someone who will help us to raise the children. A good dad is a sexy man.
This “baby-friendliness” has been identified by researchers as being more important to women than perceived masculinity (ie testosterone levels) in choosing both short- and long-term partners. If I had to choose, I’d take Anthony the Blue Wiggle over Arnold Schwarzenegger any day. With an acknowledgement that these trends may not be true across all cultures, it does seem that a man who likes babies is hot property.
This is a tricky starting point for many people: liking babies. Because not everybody does like babies. On the surface, babies may seem hyper-fragile, noisy, and impractical. They disrupt sleep, spit up on dryclean-only clothing and steal wives‘ attention.
Dave Halligan is the Director of ‘Parenting for Men’, a non-profit based in Tauranga. Dave knows a thing or two about fatherhood, and encourages parents to take the time, early, to spend time with a new arrival, noting “quite a few new Dads need to "fall in love" with their baby, they often don't have an instant deep bond with their child in the early weeks and months.”
None of this is helped by the fact that in our modern world, many of us arrive at parenthood having had minimal interaction with small people. It’s especially true for men. This point was reiterated by Dr. Simon Rowley, a neonatal paediatrician at National Womens Hospital in Auckland, and a trustee of the Brainwave Trust. He thinks about fatherhood both as a dad, and as a professional. He observes: “Throughout childhood there remains the perception that caring for a baby is womens’ work. Boys are not encouraged to look after their younger siblings a much as girls are so they grow up being less familiar with what parenthood entails”.
It’s true. Young men tend not to get chosen as babysitters, and unless your extended family included some mini-cousins or baby nephews, it is entirely believable that the first infant many fathers hold is their own.
Tricky starting point, as the research tells us that our enjoyment of parenthood is a contributing factor in helping us find that sweet spot of ‘good enough’ parenting. No need for that perfection nonsense, but ‘good enough’ is important.
So what does a "good enough" dad look like? As well as enjoyment, the research often uses the language of ‘involvement’.
A British mega-analysis gathered information from a ton of studies and defined 'involved' as being: a dad reading stories to his child, taking outings, showing an interest in his child's education, and taking a role in managing the child (*although I'm unsure if that’s managing behaviour or things like "where is your school jersey?"). The research did specify that this is not necessarily about Dads being the biological parent, or about fathers who live full time with children or their mothers.
I’m not feeling quite so odd about my reaction to Hubby reading Dr. Suess to our daughters: a father reading stories to his kids is an involved Dad, and this is an attractive trait!
Time and again research points to having an 'involved' dad as being positively associated with self esteem, academic success and the decreased likelihood of delinquent behaviour.
And let’s not forget the vital importance of early relationships on the rapidly developing brains of our infants and toddlers. The lions’ share of brain architecture is laid down in those first few years, so early experiences indelibly influence intellectual abilities and behaviour throughout life. No matter which way we look at it, fathers matter. A lot.
So how do we support our blokes in discovering the joys of babyhood if they’re not naturally drawn in?
Frankly, this is a somewhat selfish question: if this is the key to a sexy husband as much as, say, a swanky new suit, how do we help our hubbies to get a cut that fits?
When I talked to Nathan Mikaere-Wallis (a father of three, Trustee for the Brainwave Trust, a former University Lecturer with a background in child counselling) he had many great ideas. First up, the fact that fathers who are present at the birth of their babies enjoy elevated levels of prolactin, oxytocin (“the love hormone”) and vasopressin (sometimes called the “monogamy hormone” - it’s credited with creating protective feelings toward wee wifey and the babies, instead of demanding he rush off and impregnate someone else).
As Nathan says, these hormonal gifts are “a crucial start to making your kids enjoyable”. And Daddy doesn’t get those hormones from the waiting room. “Spending a hundred grand to raise someone who will probably give you nothing tangible in return, will take you to emotional lows and highs like you've never had before, - none of this makes it sound enjoyable, so you really need the hormones to make it worthwhile!”
Great idea. Harness biology to help the Daddies enjoy the ride. A great reason to be present for the miracle of birth! And Dr. Rowley brings good news: he observes improvement. “I have seen a huge difference attending deliveries over the last 35 years, how much more involved fathers are”.
But if you haven’t had that experience, fret not, the release of oxytocin is not limited to birthing. Fathers enjoy a boost whenever they play, interact (are ‘involved’!) with their children.
This idea is supported by an anecdote from Justin Wolfers, an economist at the University of Michigan. When interviewed about parenting by the team at Freakonomics, Wolfers said he initially embraced being in charge of nappy changes because his partner was CEO of breastfeeding - "to put that in economic terms, Betsy does inputs, I do outputs".
He said he now encourages all his male friends to volunteer for the role of Changer-in-Chief, explaining: "it’s a nice time to spend with your kid actually. When they’re really young, it’s one of the few times they’ll make eye contact with you." I’ll bet Wolfers was experiencing an oxytocin boost to further reinforce the goodness of those times.
And with research confirming that early involvement with Dads increases the likelihood of a child maintaining a connection with him throughout life, it's a good idea to get involved straight away. Repeat after me: nappy changes are wonderful.
And here’s the circular thing: if enjoyment makes us better parents, being better parents makes us enjoy it more. The more we are involved, the more we enjoy it and the more skilled we become. It’s a positive feedback loop.
So what other barriers prohibit Daddies from involvement, enjoyment, and rampant sexiness? And what can we do to help?
Some of the issues are massive, societal. More Kiwis are working 50 hour weeks than elsewhere in the OECD. British research says "parents … would opt to spend more time" caring for their children, while other data suggests 44% of fathers want more time with their kids.
Dave Halligan reinforced this point, saying “Most men want less work and more family time”.
Back to Dr. Rowley, who talked about about being at home with Child #1 while his wife was in the hospital birthing Baby #2. He remembers it as “such a special time” and it “made me realise how much of a barrier to enjoyment and involvement work is”.
Another layer to the work thang is what Dave Halligan identified as “the belief that ‘providing for’ means money/work, rather than providing emotional sustenance and teaching life skills”.
One wifely reaction to this conundrum might be to encourage a periodic review of the big picture - what are our roles? Our expectations of each other? Is it necessary and desirable for both partners to work full time? Is there room for taking turn-about in the full-time/part-time roles? Is there any wiggle room in the budget to enable one or both of us to reduce hours? Why not wait till the kids start school to worry about new carpet?
These are really important conversations to revisit, perhaps annually. Researchers propose that the increased flexibility in modern families (vs. the 1950s model of at-home mother, working father) can be its own stressor. It’s like we ask ourselves: if every family can be structured uniquely, then how the heck do we want ours to work? Is what we’re doing best for us?
And consider whether more family time could be created with a rethink of life beyond the workplace. Is too much family time being eaten up by swimming/karate/piano lessons? What if these were kept to specific days, or only in, say, alternate terms of the year? Winter or summer sport - not both? Or perhaps the challenge is to carve out whanau time within the drive to gymnastics? Tricky: unstructured time is often where the magic happens.
But friends, take heart. It’s not all bad news. The Department of Statistics report that 85% of New Zealand men declare themselves “satisfied” or “very satisfied” with their lives.
And then there’s the final barrier to paternal involvement and enjoyment - this more personal. Even hard to take. All of my Dad experts identified this, and it hit a nerve. Nathan, Simon, and Dave all independently suggested that mothers can be a barrier. Yup, us. Me. You. We.
Do you recognise the mother who corrects Dad’s every attempt to engage with Baby (as Dr. Rowley put it: “here give me the baby, I’ll do that, you are so hopeless”) or the disapproval of everything from the choice of footwear to the quality of lunch. Again, Dave Halligan: “often men feel like a golf caddy in the parenting relationship”. This is hardly a recipe for involvement and enjoyment.
So let me think this through: if I can back off and let Dad do more, he’ll have a greater enjoyment of parenting, my baby (Dave’s words) “will benefit significantly from full engagement with BOTH parents”, I’ll get a wee bit of time to myself, AND my husband will seem sexier? Pass him the Dr. Suess. I’m off for a nice walk.
Summary:
An involved father wins: he’s more skilled at parenting, his brain receives more hormonal benefits, and his wife finds him sexier. So get in there, Daddies. Get on the floor with those kids.
It may seem counterintuitive if you’re not having fun in the role right now; but more = better. To enjoy parenting more, do more of it.
Fathers are extremely important in helping children become all they are capable of being. A cynic might summarise thusly: involved fathers help create tax contributors, not tax burdens.
Infancy and toddlerhood are times of unequalled potential for influencing the trajectory of a person’s life. Time with babies is time well spent.
What could Daddies consider doing to increase their enjoyment/involvement?
claim a care routine. Do like Justin Wolfers and be Mr. Nappy Change, or make bath time your own. Sexiness quotient: increasing with every infant interaction.
Take some time to learn about the science of childhood. This can help highlight the miracles and temper the challenges of things like the realities of sleep, individual temperament and the simple-to-complex brain growth. (Recommended reading: “The Science of Parenting” by Margot Sunderland).
Know that nurture builds brains and resilience. Time spent cuddling and talking to your baby is time invested wisely.
Let’s all pledge to encourage our sons to think of themselves as nurturers. Little boys can play with dolls and blokes can be babysitters.
Be kind to your baby-Momma. If she’s being a bit intense it’s probably a reflection of how deeply she cares.
And what can Mothers do to support those delightful daddies in enjoying during this parenthood malarkey?
include Dad with Baby - right from the start.
accept that fathers do things differently sometimes.
be clear with one another - my girlfriend was suffering crazily from morning sickness and was irate with her husband for not taking up slack. He was politely clueless about her anger - “I haven’t done anything!” (“EXACTLY!”) Things shifted when she got really clear about how nauseous she felt and exactly what extra tasks she needed from him - packing an older child’s lunchbox or using scented cleaning products can be grueling for the chunderous mama. Point it out (lovingly!). Be explicit.
Keep breathing, smiling and laughing. Remember how it’s supposed to be fun?
practice gratitude and kindness! For everything, and everyone. Especially yourself.
Roney JR Hanon KN, Durante KM, and Maestripieri D. 2006. Reading mens’ faces: women’s mate attractiveness judgements track men’s testosterone and interest in infants. Proceedings of the Royal Society B 273: 2169-2175.