Toddlers: Who Are You Calling “Terrible”?
Originally published OHbaby! magazine, Issue 17, Autumn 2012
What gives, New Zealand? What makes us think it’s acceptable to label two year olds as “terrible”? “The Terrible Twos” is a common phrase used to describe our divine children as they negotiate the rocky path of toddlerhood. Just when toddlers need their adults to be at our most compassionate, understanding and helpful, we turn on them with our language and expectations. Within their earshot, these groovy toddlers are described as “Terrible”.
Now, THAT is terrible.
The kids, however, are just fine.
And y’know, if I knew I was being described as being a “Tragic Thirty-something” rapidly approaching my “Foul Forties”, I would be highly likely to lay my most awful behaviour on you. Really, you wanna see Terrible? I’ll give you Tragic! You ain’t seen Foul like I can deliver it ...
Yes, friends. Beware the power of the self-fulfilling prophecy...
But we wouldn’t talk about one another that way, just like we don’t do it to infants, kindergartners or school agers, and we’ve certainly progressed past thinking it’s OK to use such terms when describing by gender, ethnicity, or ability. So why is it socially acceptable for otherwise reasonable members of our communities to call these lovely children “terrible”?
Rise up, dear readers, and join me in a campaign to say NO! to use of this moniker. When we know what’s happening developmentally for children during toddlerhood, we realise that anyone using the term “terrible twos” is displaying their own ignorance and lack of understanding about a vital phase of human growth. Hurrumph! Take that!
With that in mind, let’s explore some of the developmental tasks of children as they near the age of two years, and how the expectations their adults need to adapt to respond to the rapid evolution of children’s skills and needs. When adults know what’s going on for children during toddlerhood, they have no need to label behaviour (let alone a child!) as “terrible”.
Toddlerhood can emerge as a shock to many parents: we’ve done some adjusting to the needs of infancy, we’ve been brave and giving as we’ve negotiated sleepless nights, sore boobs, and the constant aroma of baby vomit. But along with the challenges, we’ve enjoyed the rewards of parenting a baby: the admiring gazes of folks on the street, the convenience of the non-mobile infant (still in the same spot where you left her, 10 minutes later!) and the glorious baby grins and giggles.
Seemingly all of a sudden, the portable and somewhat malleable baby we’ve gotten used to is replaced by a toddler, determined to practice his newfound walking (running, and climbing) skills, a toddler with his own ideas about where to go next and what he’d rather be doing, wearing or eating. This shift in our child’s experience must be met in a shift of our skills, or conflict will certainly arise.
Dr. Ron Lally, one of the founders of the Program for Infant/Toddler Care (www.pitc.org), a research-based training organisation in California, talks about the tension that occurs when adults continue trying to use the same skills that were successful in caring for a young baby when they’re engaged with an older infant or toddler.
He explains that the main developmental task of a very young infant is to experience security, and that the ultimate caregiving style for a very young infant is modeled after a warm, bosomy grandmother. Calm, gentle, sensitive love delivered by an attuned and nurturing adult with tons of time to snuggle. Perfect!
But as that little baby grows into a mobile infant, the envelope of the cosy embrace becomes more of a part-time residence. The main developmental task of the mobile infant is exploration, and a child of this age (who has made the cognitive leap that “mum ends and I begin”) has a ton of work to do in figuring out how her body works. She must learn to roll, to commando crawl, to rock on hands and knees, to pick things up with a pincer grasp, to stand up, to walk, and climb. Huge work!
Dr. Lally describes the dream carer for a mobile infant as being like a highly skilled waiter. Someone who is attentive but not overwhelming, someone who is close enough to support you at a moment’s notice and will check in periodically, but knows when to leave you to get on with things at your own pace.
Now that the mobile infant has started to walk, he is - by definition - a toddler. And toddlers have a whole new world to negotiate. They’ve mastered much of their physical work, and they’re moving into the complex world of understanding relationships, emotions and identity. (“Me! Mine! I do it!”) This learning is profound and important, and Dr. Lally uses the analogy of a Coach to describe the type of skill set that will serve a toddler well.
The Coach is encouraging, clear and patient. The Coach recognises that some skills will need to be practiced over and again, without becoming frustrated. A skilled coach won’t become angry or take it personally when they receive messages of “I need your help. No, go away! I can do this on my own! Actually, hey, I really do need your help!”, recognising that the need for support ebbs and flows when negotiating new skills - sometimes within moments.
No need to get mad about it. It’s not naughtiness or willfulness, it’s just how it is.
This language is repeated by Sue Gerhardt in her excellent book “Why Love Matters”, when she talks about the role of a skilled adult as being an “emotion coach”. Our toddlers need us to identify what they seem to be experiencing, to weave it with some empathy, and to avoid judgement about their emotion.
A threatening toddler-storm in the check out at the supermarket can be responded to with something like: “Oh, I know! All those chocolates look so interesting, and it’s hard when you can’t have what you want, eh? Looks like you’re mad about that! Oh well ... sorry, babe, no chocolate today.”. This is quite a different message to “Stop being silly. You don’t need chocolate. Stop it!”.
The limit is the same (I’m not buying a chocolate bar!), but while the first response acknowledges that human desires and emotions are normal - and let’s be honest, who’s not tempted by the beautifully wrapped treats? - the second serves to add an unhelpful layer of shame to the mix (it’s silly to feel like that). When adults are honest with ourselves, we realise that it’s entirely reasonable to feel discomfort when faced with the yearning for something desirable that we cannot have.
New car, anyone? Coveting another pair of impractical shoes or a beautiful handbag? Yes, it’s hard when we can’t have what we want, eh? ... or how would it feel if I replied with: Don’t be silly! Stop feeling that!
Local parent educator and university lecturer Nathan Mikaere-Wallis has another terrific analogy when talking about supporting children through this time - he talks about a child’s need for an emotional apprenticeship. Just as the master mechanic wouldn’t mock the junior for not yet knowing how to manage a blown carburetor, wise adults know we must share our experiences, to avoid abandoning children in the complex world of emotion.
Exploring the work of Dr. Bruce Perry, a Texas-based neuroscientist, author and child psychiatrist, gives us another lens through which to view this idea, as well as a great tool for understanding why this emotional, relational learning is so vital to the life of a toddler.
Dr. Perry developed what’s known as the Neurosequential Model, a fantastic tool for understanding the way that our brains develop. The neurosequential model demonstrates that toddlers are working with an incomplete brain. Their brains have a ways to go before being full grown or totally organised. Is it any wonder they need our help?
This model teaches us a hierarchical nature of brain growth and function. Dr. Perry uses the analogy of a layer cake: that the bottom layer must be firm and cooked so other layers can rest upon it.
We now know that our brains use a foundation of simple functions and later develops more complex functions. The first region of our brains to develop is the brain stem, focussing on survival functions, for example: breathing.
Next, the neurosequential model teaches us that toddlers do huge work to develop control over their bodies, as they wire up a region known as their mid-brain.
Then, the ‘layer’ of the limbic system is developed, and this is the home of emotion. Anyone hanging out with toddlers will recognise that they often feel deep emotions, and they move from one to another for reasons that may seem illogical to adults. That’s because most of us grown ups have access to a logical region of the brain, known as the cortex. Toddlers: not so much.
Toddlers must spend a good while wiring up their limbic systems before they develop their cortexes. It is the cortex that acts as a filter for emotion. It is the cortex that enables logic to override an emotional response. And research indicates that we don’t fully wire up our cortexes until we’re in our mid-twenties!
So, to expect a two year old to “calm down” just because you say so is unreasonable. Toddlers have an emotional brain, but they don’t yet have a logical brain.
Robust cortical growth happens most readily when it rests upon a strong foundation, this can’t happen when the ‘layers’ of the ‘cake’ that sit underneath have raw cake batter in the middle!
It is arguable, then, that the best way to ensure a healthy wiring (and perfect bake time) for the limbic system is to engage emotionally with toddlers as they do the work of learning about feelings. This requires adults brave enough to empathise with toddlers as they deal with large emotions, as they begin the long process of self-regulation of the primitive systems of rage, fear, and distress that they were born with.
Imagine your twenty month old wants to wear the purple t-shirt and it’s wet on the washing line. She’s disappointed, maybe sad. Perhaps a tantrum is looming. While it’s great if you take the time to talk with her about the wet fabric and the fact that she’ll get cold if she wears it now, she will not be able to hear your logical messages and explanations while she’s in the midst of her emotional reaction.
Instead, start with her emotion. “Oh, I can see your face looking really sad about that. Are you disappointed about the t-shirt being wet? Because you really love that t-shirt, eh? But do you know what, honey? It’s all wet! It was dirty, so I washed it, and now it has to get dry before you can wear it again.”
See - all those logical explanations are in there too, but we must begin by allowing, acknowledging and explaining the emotion. Over time, children become more skilled at recognising the emotions that pass like clouds across their consciousness (“Yes, I’m ANGRY!”). Knowing what they are - as well as having been coached about how to manage them - is essential in learning to regulate them, to calm oneself down.
Speaking of regulating emotions, let’s take a moment to talk specifically about tantrums.
Tantrums are usually a result of a child not having yet learned to deal with their powerful emotions in more socially acceptable way. They are not usually about naughtiness or manipulativeness - remember, these children don’t yet have much of a logical brain, so they’re not able to plan, to plot, to control their parents.
Most tantrums are what author and child psychotherapist Margot Sunderland would call a “distress tantrum”, and these children should be thought of as having the words “I need to be soothed” or perhaps “Help me to handle this” printed across their beings. These children need empathy, language to describe their feelings, and perhaps some distraction.
The minority of tantrums are described by Sunderland (in her excellent book “The Science of Parenting”) as “Little Nero” tantrums. A child having a Little Nero tantrum is usually older, there’s usually no tears, and there is a lack of stress chemicals in this child’s brain & body. This is the minority of tantrums, and it is about manipulation. And this is the child who needs a clear limit, a calm and firm parent.
Which brings us to the final point. In order to be the sort of parent our children need us to be, we must strive for calm, warm, consistent parenting. This is very hard to do when we are stressed, ourselves. Our buttons are pushed much more easily when we’re tired, when we haven’t learned to process our own emotions, or if we’re just in need of a snack.
So just as you’re practicing kindness and acceptance of those toddlers (the Terrific, Tantalising, Toddlerific Twos), practice a little kindness and acceptance of self, too.
If you’re finding parenting a toddler to be especially difficult, try some of these strategies:
Keep your sense of humour. Toddlers are hard work, but they’re great fun.
Children are zen masters at living in the moment. Be taught by them. Wherever possible, abandon the schedule and put down that vaccuum cleaner. Lie on your belly next to your toddler and behold the baby snail on the big leaf.
Check your techniques: are you still using the strategies that worked for your infant child? They’ve grown and changed and you need to, too.
Pay attention to the basics (sleep, fluid, food). Is your child getting enough sleep? Is it time to re-jig the nap schedule or wriggle the bedtimes? Is there enough water getting into this wee person and are the snacks coming frequently enough? Would it be helpful to rethink the evening routine so dinner’s ready sooner?
Be honest about your expectations. Remember: this is a little person with an incomplete brain! If you’re looking for 4 year old behaviour from a toddler, you’ll be in for frustration and conflict. Accept that he is probably just acting his age and you can be much calmer.
Recognise that this phase won’t last forever. Soon enough you’ll have a three year old asking “why?” incessantly, blink and she’s a teen with a cellphone, and you’ll miss your chubby little toddler.
Ensure there’s something in your week that puts fuel back in your Parental Tank. Work out ways that you can get a wee break now and then. Take a walk, wander around the shops in your own sweet time, wait till your toddler’s asleep and do an evening yoga class. Some time to feed yourself will make it all much, much easier!