The App Trap
Becoming a parent in this modern moment brings all sorts of upsides, and some downsides too. For all the joys of our smartphones, like instant communication, there are worrisome aspects too.
Most people have experienced the dystopian creepiness of having our movements tracked by Siri, Alexa and their invisible internet pals. Like when you have an in-person conversation about, say, booking a trip, and suddenly your social media and banner ads are heaving with flight deals or luxury cruises.
Such targeted marketing might be handy upon occasion, but sometimes the things being peddled are not super useful. Women whose ovulation trackers or Facebook feeds reveal their pregnancies will likely find themselves inundated with products intended for new parents. This might have happened to you?
Many savvy marketers know that the transition to parenthood — which can be scary, intimidating, overwhelming — is often a time that people are tempted to spend, spend, spend their way out of the worries. But is a wipes-warming machine really necessary? Is a thousand-dollar high chair really better than that free, second-hand one? And which of these many apps that are flooding your feeds are truly worth their while?
Worryingly, there have been academic reviews of readily available pregnancy and parenting apps which show how few of them have any medical oversight or professional involvement at all. Then there is the emerging trend toward baby-tracking apps. Let’s discuss.
This is not a dig at anyone who has used or is using an app like this. These apps can offer comfort – a technologically familiar way to a negotiate new and (often) confusing role. However, the flip side is that they can inadvertently discourage us from developing the parenting ‘muscles’ for reading our babies’ cues, and these will not only be necessary throughout life, but they are essential for developing a secure attachment.
So, what does ‘secure attachment’ mean, and why does it matter? A secure attachment describes a relationship model where an infant (or older child) feels safe and comforted by their parent. A secure attachment can predict all sorts of positive life trajectories, with implications for future relationships, school success, even physical health.
Well, what on earth could a baby tracking app have to do with developing a secure attachment? The experts at the Centre for Attachment tell us that for a secure attachment to be successfully formed, there are three essential ingredients. Those are:
proximity (you gotta be close enough to Baby to hear their calls and see their body language),
sensitivity (this is about noticing what Baby is up to – hearing the cries or seeing the screwed up wee face),
and responsiveness (which means we interpret the messages Baby is sending, and we attempt to respond appropriately “Oh, honey, your knees are all tucked up to your tummy. Do you have some wind? Let’s bounce you around a little and see if that helps…”
Unfortunately, my friends, all three of those essential ingredients can be interrupted by the shiny confidence of a tracking app. Proximity might be interfered with if the app tells us to leave them in their beds, sensitivity can be compromised if our app is telling us that it’s not food time - but their behaviour suggests hunger. If the message of the app is at odds with Baby’s cues, then appropriate responsiveness may be reduced.
Our babies need us to notice their cues. They are communicating all the time – their sounds, facial expressions and bodily movements all have meaning. As the late, great child development kaumatua Pennie Brownlee taught, we are our baby’s dance partner. To stay with that analogy, it may be that baby tracking apps discourage us from finding our own beat, mother and child, and instead get as boogying to an imposed online rhythm.
Tracking apps are so seductive, presenting themselves as authorities, but they bring a danger that we’ll put more trust in THEM than in the messages of the babies. This is not useful, long term, because it runs the risk of interrupting the essential processes of optimal biobehavioural parenting.
Another challenge is that our babies are changing all the time, and some of their phases are unpredictable, unique to each individual. Examples would be teething, illness, or growth spurts. Following an app too slavishly puts us at risk of overlooking Baby’s cues and creating a glitch in the formation of a secure attachment.
Also of concern – these apps encourage repeated engagement with the phone, for example at the beginning of every feed, which means mamas are more likely to spend more time on their devices. While babies might be able to tolerate a little of this, it’s really worth trying to keep caregiving routines device free. One reason for this is the ‘still face paradigm’, which is a phenomenon where a parent’s face is inadvertently blank and expressionless while we use our phones (or while I type this article, TBH!).
A blank face can be confusing to a baby – an example of an unpredictable parental signal. Babies love looking at adult faces whenever possible, looking for messages of safety, so these bursts of blank faced tech use is not ideal for babies, to say the least. Research also indicates that distracted parents on their phones during feeding routines can miss Baby’s cues that they’ve had enough milk, and we risk overfeeding them. What’s more, evidence shows that babies find adult phone use to be physiologically stressful.
These are all good reasons to proceed with caution with the tracking apps. The thing is, they are usually simply unnecessary. Unless your baby is losing weight and your LMC needs super accurate record keeping, you might ask yourself: who is all this FOR? Apps are money making entities, and in the example of the popular free preview versions of these apps, well, nothing is truly free. Online: if something is free, we are the product!
I would be remiss if I did not include an acknowledgement that some people will love these apps and be well served by them. If that’s you – great! Far be it from me to try and take something away if it is truly adding to yours and baby’s lives and your understanding of one another. I’ll just invite you to be as clear-eyed as a tired mama can be as you consider the role they are playing in your lives.
And finally – this is a reminder to please be kind and compassionate with yourself, whether or not you have ever used such an app. I am not being a meanie, not ‘having a go’. I want nothing more than to support you – and this means urging you to know that you are better than any app. Mama, please know that you can trust yourself and trust your baby.
Exhale. You got this.
Tips
It is absolutely OK to say to your baby “I don’t know what you need right now. I see that you are crying and I want to help.”
Sometimes a change of scene is best for everyone – and that might be a walk outside, or just a slow walk around the house.
Get yourself a good baby playlist for swaying, comforting and dancing – aim for rhythms where the beats per minute are similar to a resting human heart rate (somewhere 60-120 BPM)
Little wee babies need a LOT of sleep. Sometimes we underestimate this, and ‘overtired’ is a very real situation.
No matter what is going on – even in those unsettled and confusing, tired days of exhaustion – remember that this will pass. Think of all the grown kids you know – eventually they sleep through the night, they make their own toast, they go flatting! Be kind to yourself as you make sense of it all.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help – anyone with a baby has definitely been there. Take advantage of your LMC, your plunket nurse, your He Korowai Manaaki practitioner, La Leche League, your GP’s practice nurse, Healthline, Plunketline … all of these people will genuinely want to help you and your Bubs to get to know one another.
Read “Dance With Me in the Heart” by Pennie Brownlee
Originally published in OHbaby! magazine, issue 65, Autumn 2024. Also available at https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/parenting/parenting-apps